


have we created disaster within ourselves

by Hurrican3lov3



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Feels, F/M, I have no idea what I'm doing, Mild Language, Unhealthy Relationships, emotional chaos, kind of ooc, slight mention of Aurora Blake - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-19
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2018-03-18 16:22:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3575976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hurrican3lov3/pseuds/Hurrican3lov3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>they say love isn't easy, that it takes understanding, compromise and hard work. But how do you know when your love becomes toxic? what do you do when all that you've been doing is holding on with everything that you've got?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I'm not going to lie it's been a really long while since I've written...anything really..PLUS this is the first time I'm using AO3 AND posting something up on the 100 fandom so please be gentle with me.  
> This one-shot is the result of binge listening to 'What Kind of Man' by Florence+The Machine, if you haven't heard it or seen the amazing video for the love of all that is holy GO WATCH IT you won't regret it, promise.  
> Omg okay...so nervous rn...so as they say ON WITH THE SHOW

She noticed after the third (or was it the fourth? Or maybe it was the fifth? Or god...maybe it was the sixth. Goddamnit Clarke how could you not remember?) time that it was becoming a pattern. 

There'll be a good day and then everything goes to hell in the last 30 minutes of it. They don't talk the next day (oh but she wants to call, she wants to beg for forgiveness even if she knows she did nothing wrong but thank god for her pride cause that's the only thing that stops her most times).   
That's when THE THOUGHT (singular. All caps) weaves it's way through her mind.

Distance.

Maybe a little bit of distance is required. 

Don't text him so much, don't call, don't reach for him and when he calls for her to come over don't.  
Don't go.  
Stay strong.  
Stay home.

And for a moment she thinks, yes distance makes sense. Then it evaporates.

For whatever illogical reason her convictions are not strong enough to go through with it (10 days...that's not long at all is it? But god...in the moment it felt like a lifetime).

And when he calls for her to go over she does it cause she's missed him (his arms, his lips, the way he smelled like home and the way he holds her close (read:tight cause he thought he'd lost her...again) to his chest so she can hear his heart and how it beats for her) and it's like nothing's happened at all.

There's a moment she shares with her mother, _"I'm starting to see that boyfriend of yours for who he really is and I don't like it. You deserve so much better Clarke, why can't you see that?"_  
It takes everything in her not to burst into tears, tugging at her hair in despair cause she's convinced half of the shit he puts her though she doesn't deserve. So she doesn't tell her mother how weak she is when it comes to him (her mother knows though) that it sickens her sometimes (in the dark she can recognize the part of herself that survived being alone for so long and hates who she's become now, loathes the weakness seeping from her bones).

But she _loves_ him, for as far back as she can remember she's loved him and mygod how she wishes she could have stopped at some point for her own sanity at least.   
And he says he loves her too, she knows how short his love list is and sometimes she still can't believe he's put her on it along side his sister and his mother (Aurora was beautiful and strong and _I'msosorryBellamy_ ). 

But her mind likes to remind her of the daggers it's produced specifically for her, the ones she still feels embedded in her heart made out of the tiny whispers she doubts she'll ever get rid of ( _he's got a long list of girls who've warmed his bed (maybe all you are is another notch on his bedpost, you're nothing special Clarke get over yourself_ )) so she sighs instead and giver her mother a hug.

Until it happen's again. 

Another night (it started out good she swears it did, Valentines day wasn't even supposed to be such a big deal she has no idea how it snowballed into this) she spends all day excited out of her mind and spends just a little bit more time than usual getting ready. Logically she comes to the realization that maybe it's a big deal because they were both working the previous year and they weren't nearly as serious as they are now. 

He picks her up and there are flowers and balloons involved and she loves it (is this what Valentines day was supposed to feel like when you're in a relationship?)  
He's not a romantic and a part of her swears she is okay with that, the other part that says differently can _shut the hell up thank you very much_.

She spends the night bodies intertwined in the way she loves (Bellamy only does it when he feels her pulling away and he needs the reassurance that she is still his (read:not leaving )).   
She decided that she's not leaving him but she's brutally honest with herself and she knows there's a fluctuating percentage (it goes from 5 to 30% real fast and it scares her cause it's never reached 0 and she's not sure if it ever will) that isn't sure staying is the best thing for her to begin with. 

She wakes up anxious to get home (if she's honest (which she always is) she always wakes up anxious) it's 3 in the morning and she's shaking him awake so he'll take her home (he doesn't want to take her and she's not surprised) so she stops (what time is it now?)

It's 5 and she's pretty sure she's going to have dark bags under her eyes for the next two days. Bellamy growls and mutters about bringing her crappy car next time and she can't help but smile, this feels like familiar territory. 

He's pulling his 'dress-me-i'm-too-tired' shit (do you remember when he did this the first time? you thought it was cute...christ Clarke pull yourself together) she called him every name in the book. Asshole being the favorite of course. But it's been a while since she's had to rely on him for a ride home that she honestly forgot this was something she would have to deal with.

It's an accident and she apologizes profusely for it but the anxious feeling hasn't gone away (she just wants to go home and get some sleep) and now she's nervous cause he's so angry he doesn't want her to touch him, she feels the corner of her lips pulling into a small smile (she's a nervous laugher and a nervous smiler (is that even a word Clarke?) too but she can't help her bodies fucked up reactions to things).

She says sorry again and he sits up way to fast (don't move Clarke) she tries not to flinch but the look on his face makes it hard.

There is a brief press of his thumb on her left eye lid (DON'T MOVE CLARKE) she barely manages to stifle her bodies reaction to jerk away. She still manages to note that his jaw is clenched tight, teeth grinding together, belaying the gentleness of that brief touch and it frightens her (for a second she doubts his inability to physically hurt her, there is a flash of memory...of a dark night and seeing her mother yelling at her step-father and seeing him put her beautiful mother in a choke hold until her knees gave out). 

He drops her off without a word (jesusClarke what if he actually hurt you?) she doesn't hear from him for the rest of the day and the radio silence the next day is deafening. 

And THE THOUGHT begins it's weaving again. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Sometimes leaving is best

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bold italic are thoughts and italic are quotes. its been a long long while but i thought what the hell its never too late to add the second chapter...for those of you who read this on FF.Net you all know the second chapter has been up for the longest...i just forgot to add it here ah sorry about that. I've add some lines but over all it's the same, once again sorry about the wait

Things haven’t been the same.

She remembers a time when things were easier, not good per say but easier. But isn’t it like that for everyone?

She knows there are the few who remember the good from a failed relationship but she’s pretty sure she’s not one of them. She remembers the ugly and the bad, like blaring neon signs that flicker but never go out (kind of like the cheap Vegas lights, Clarke hates Vegas).

So she makes arrangements, in the dead of night so Octavia won’t ask her what she’s doing and he won’t catch a hint of her leaving.

They don’t notice as her things slowly start disappearing from their home and Clarke is grateful, how would she explain herself if they had?

And when she has lunch with her mother to let her know what she’s decided ( _“a couple of months on my own won’t be so bad mom, I’ll be doing some good an after doing nothing good for a while I know this is what’s best for me”_ ) she pretends not to notice how her mother’s eyes convey her happiness despite the solemn face she’s put on for her.

When she goes to bed she pretends her chest isn’t caving in on itself. Like there isn’t an ocean raging within her desperately trying to get out and drown her.

She loses hours of sleep trying to hold herself together under the covers, ignoring how tear soaked her pillow is.

**_(This is good Clarke, he’s hurting you and you’re hurting him…this can’t keep happening. You’ll kill each other before you ever get your happy ever after.)_ **

She knows this.

Knows they fought more times than they loved each other.

_**Don’t start lying now Clarke. It was killing you. Every second of every fight was killing you.** _

The truth stings and does little to ease the pain she feels burning beneath her skin. He’s in her bloodstream. Under her skin, in her bones, etched himself a space into her very being. **_How could you let him get so deep Clarke?_**

It’s logical and smart and if she leaves now she knows it’ll take time, a year maybe two to heal… ** _it took 2 years for you to reach a content state only for Bellamy freakin’ Blake to find you and wreck it all to begin the slow process of wrecking you like he’d never had the chance to before._**

She knows logically it will all be worth it.

She breaks up with him on a Monday. He’s over worked, tired and she can’t take his attitude anymore and it just slips out. She doesn’t mean to make a scene, not in front of Octavia and her fiance Lincoln, but she’s hurt and frustrated and so so tired.

There’s yelling so much yelling, harsh words and old hurts hurled like knives and she’s out of the house stumbling her way to her car tears streaming and her body wrecked by harsh sobs.

She doesn’t know how she makes it home.

If she was being honest, which she always is, she had hoped (foolishly she knows that now) that maybe there could still be some possibility of remaining friends. ( _ **But remember when you were younger and infront of the TV squished between Octavia and Jasper while Monty was getting the chips eyes wide watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer avidly and hearing Spike speak some hard truths** _“_ You’re not friends. You’ll never be friends. You’ll be in love till it kills you both. You’ll fight, and you’ll shag, and you’ll hate each other until it makes you quiver, but you’ll never be friends. Love isn’t brains children, it’s blood-blood screaming inside you to work it’s will. _”__ ** _and knowing even back then how much truth rang through those words.)_**

Things aren’t easy.

It’s a detox. **_Rage into your pillow, puke your dreams of a future out, hold yourself through the shakes. You’re an addict Clarke, you just never knew it._**

She’ll probably get drunk and be tempted to call but sheer stubbornness and pride will steady her hand and she won’t break, not this time.

_(“I miss him, Raven why do I miss him?”_  
_”I’m coming over Clarke, just hold on babe I’m on my way_.” _ _)_ _

And when she leaves receiving bear hugs and kisses from her mother and the friends who stood behind her with a new adventure on the horizon waiting for her, she’ll breath in deep and let it all go as best as she can.

In that moment of clarity and optimism she’ll wish him love and peace and the happily ever after Bellamy freakin’ Blake couldn’t find with her.

And if her hands shake while driving away no one can blame her, it’s terrifying having to shed the past and start anew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaand thats that...thank you all for reading till next time ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Alright! I did it! woohooo! This came out like i wanted it too.  
> I however am both happy and terrified of leaving this here for all of you to read, I have this oneshot up on my ff.net page too and well I wanted to see how it would do here as well...ANYWAY I do hope that maybe some of you do read this and maaayybbbee decide that it's worth it to leave a review or kudos  
> n_n after all any kind of review does feed my hungry underfed muse ;)  
> ~hurrican3lov3


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